Depression, it’s The Worst – B. The Old Man from Sugarland

The Worst – Depression

The worst was when I couldn’t get out of bed.

The depression was paralyzing and crippling; I couldn’t face the world, I couldn’t face responsibilities and accountability for my own actions, I couldn’t face other people, I couldn’t face the possibility of catching a glimpse of myself in a reflection and actually seeing my own face.

It disgusted me.

I loved so many others but hated myself. I drank and added various pills every night hoping that this would be my final night here.

I was exhausted from life, from the lies, from existing even though calling it existing was a stretch. I was exhausted from hiding from those I owed money to, knowing I’d never pay it back.

I was exhausted from doing people wrong and screwing women over and continuing to do it even though I understood full and well how much I hurt them.

I did these things hoping it would make me more deserving of death; quick death, slow death, death in installment plans, it didn’t matter.

Just bring it.

Life wasn’t for me anymore.

Happiness was a TV sitcom that I wasn’t a part of.

I was fully convinced that my death wouldn’t be any ones real loss; people would be mad because I died and got away with not paying them back, but certainly, that would be the only emotion, the only real and true honest emotion from anyone.

As tired and contrite as it sounds, and it sounds awfully cliche, you have to hang in there.

Even when the only hanging I wanted to be a part of was by my own neck.

Hang in there. Depression is a liar. Anxiety is a thief. Know that. They exist only to end you. Don’t let them.

Don’t let an unseeable intangible be stronger than you. Don’t.

Exist because, because you can. I find those I did wrong to and if possible I apologize for all that I did. I apologized to skateboarding and the drums and HipHop because I was supposed to be something in those things; things I loved that I let go of due to my alcoholism and depression.

I do that knowing it’s not enough, but it’s all I have. It’s all I have….

I’m the #oldmanfromsugarland

Don’t be like me, be better than me.

Your friend, always,

B. The Old Man from Sugarland