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Skater Claus Chronicles - Why Mickey Mouse Hates Me

Why Mickey Mouse Hates Me – Skater Claus Chronicles

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Why Mickey Mouse Hates Me – Strange Tales from South Florida

There ain’t too many folks that got beef wit me, & the majority of them are just fuckin crazy, but on the short list of enemies the leader of the club is…

M-I-C
K-E-Y
M-O-U-S-E

That’s right, Mickey Mouse hates me. The reasons for this animosity are numerous & will be outlined below… however, I would like to note that I still maintain it was the Mouse that instigated this situation… not me.

Chapter 1: In the Beginning

I was born in Sebastian Florida, about an hour away from Orlando & all the theme parks. As a child my family would frequent the parks due to the close proximity.

I spent most of my time as a child skateboarding & surfing wit my dad, which was dope. Sebastian is on the mainland & u gotta cross the bridge in Wabasso to get to the beach. The closest beach u can get to is Wabasso beach & it was a known surf spot.

At some point when I was a teenager Disney decided to build a beach resort right next to Wabasso beach, which I was cool wit at first… bring in tourist & support the local economy. But that optimism ended real quick.

The resort had all these cabanas on the shore in front of the resort, & they started to harass the surfers cuz their guest were offended by the antics of the lower middle class surfer kids. They tried to kick us out multiple times, but everything below the tide line is errrrbody’s property & u can’t own the water. I became so infuriated by the Disney resort security constantly hassling me that I decided to do something.

Sooooo, on a Sunday at 4am I grabbed a wave, then climbed onto the main building of the Disney resort (after having to jump several fences), & I spray painted Mickey sodomizing Goofy on the roof. I don’t know the exact dimensions, but I would estimate it was about 10×10 feet.

The next time I went there to surf, the Mickey squad approached me & asked if I knew anything about the graffiti on their roof. I smiled & said, naw.

Incident 2: Nother Story, Nother Day

I was a junior in high school on 9/11/01. I don’t wanna go into a tangent bout that, nother story nother day, but after 9/11 everyone just sheltered in place for a long time. I worked at a store in the mall, & it was a ghost town. The only people there were store employees. I think the government even had some kinda National go shop day cuz businesses were hurting… & that even extended all the way to the gates of Disney. Shortly after 9/11 when they were hurting for business they did a special offer for Florida residents. $5 admission with a Florida ID, & I believe at the time prior to 9/11 general admission tickets were around $75. Generous discount.

When presented wit this unique opportunity my friends & I decided we needed to take advantage of it… so we skipped school, drove to Disney at 8am, sat in the parking lot, consumed copious amounts of mushrooms & made our way to Dr. Seuss land which had just recently opened. My memories of what happened that day are unreliable at best, & similarly all of my friends that were accompanying me have hazy memories of the events… but from the best I can tell I became extremely agitated that I couldn’t meet Slow Joe Crow & was frightening other guests.

If u were wondering. The magic kingdom does in fact have a jail. I spent a few hours in prison-land where I was question extensively by the toon squad… but luckily even if I had been up to something nefarious there was no way I could produce any string of words that was close to intelligible, & I was eventually let loose to reek my unique brand of havoc upon the world once again. If u ever go to Disney I’d suggest skipping prison-land, in my experience it is by far the least magical place at Disney.

I don’t know if Disney got goods from slave labor, but I do know a lot of people that have worked at Disney. How comfortable do u think it is to stand in a huge costume suit in 100 degree heat for minimum wage? How does it effect ur mental health to have to take being kicked in the shin by an 8 y/o & just smile & let it go? One of my best friend’s older sister was Cinderella, I asked her what it was like to be a princess & she replied: horrific.

Mickey Mouse hates me, & the feeling is mutual. I don’t get Disney fandom. To me it represents everything wrong in the world. Mask everything with a smiley face to forget about the harsh pains of reality. Like the fact someone is almost dying of heat exhaustion & getting kicked in the leg by little kids just to amuse entitled brats.

Part 3: Mickey Mouse finally had enough

I was visiting home from college & taking in as many spring training baseball games as possible. While at a game I came across a gentleman that had a light blue polo on that had the Disney logo on it & his initials were embroidered under the logo. I ask him where he got it, & he said the gift shop at the Vero Disney resort. This immediately put bad ideas in my head, which I would later act upon.

I went to the Vero Disney resort gift shop, I purchased said blue polo wit the Mickey logo, & paid the extra fee to have custom embroidery which said: “Sweat Shop”. The mouse was not happy.

Sorry, I know I’m crazy, but that’s what makes me me

Closing:

Yo, fuck u Mickey Mouse, if u want beef bring it. I’m the exact opposite of Disney. I’m reality. I’m the truth u don’t want to face. I’m not escapism. I’m helping folks that don’t have the loot to escape from their tent under an overpass to go buy into ur idea of reality. I’m the anti-mouse

Wait so that paragraph that’s repeated, there should be another one in it’s place…

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